My name is Greta. Obviously, my name is a thinly-veiled anagram for “great.” I’m the character portrayed by Hilary Duff in the film According to Greta, and I hate my life. I hate life, life hates me, that’s the way it is. DEAL WITH IT. Anyway, my stupid mom Karen (Melissa Leo, Frozen River) decided to send me away for the summer to stay with my stupid grandparents Katherine (Ellen Burstyn, The Exorcist) and Joseph (Michael Murphy, Batman Returns). God, I hate them! They’re such idiotic old people, mostly because they’re so old!
Look, I know you think I’m just being a douche, but that’s totally not true. If you were in my shoes, you would totally understand. For instance, when I went into Katherine and Joseph’s house, I discovered that the television wasn’t working. I told them that they needed to get the cable fixed, and they told me that they didn’t have any cable. WTF?!?!?! Who doesn’t have cable? Now I can’t watch any of my reality television programs, which just totally sucks. So, you know what I did? I decided to pay for the cable myself. They said that they didn’t want any cable in their house, but I told them to shut up and leave me alone. That taught them a lesson.
Almost everything got on my nerves, but I knew it wasn’t going to be too bad for much longer. Why? Because I’m going to kill myself. I told my grandparents that I had a list of things I wanted to get done first, and then I was going to kill myself. Sometime before my 18th birthday, because who wants to be an adult? Life stinks, and I just want to end it. Everything that happens in my life just makes me want to kill myself. Like, I walked into my grandparents’ house, and I was like, “Hell-O, I’m here!” and they didn’t even answer me. So I barged into their room, and they were having sex! Gross! Why do they have to do that? I don’t want to see that! They said I shouldn’t have barged in without knocking, but I think they should just stop having sex. They’re old!
So, I decided I had to get out of the house and get some more money. I went to a local seafood restaurant, and told the manager I wanted a job. He said I had to fill out an application, but I told him that the job was mine whether he liked it or not. Sassy! Then some customers came in and said they didn’t know what they wanted, and I said, “Well, you’d better order now, or I’m not coming back to this table for 20 minutes!” Sassy! And then they said that they wanted chicken, and I told them they were stupid and that I was giving them lobster instead. Sassy! And all of those people thought I was great, because they clearly needed someone to push them around and be a complete jerk to them. I’m like a freaking sideshow attraction of venom.
Anyway, there’s this guy who works there named Julie (Evan Ross, Pride). Yes, he’s a guy and his name is Julie. He’s really nice and sweet, and he really likes me despite the fact that I do nothing but insult him every time he turns up. He gets on my nerves. I told him to have sex with me, and he said no. He said that he cared about me and that he didn’t want to be one of those guys who just gets checked off my “to-do” list. Then he got involved in some really contrived storyline involving climbing into my window and getting arrested by the cops, and…ugh, I’m tired of talking about him. Boring guy.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe my boring old grandparents are really great, and my stupid old job is really cool, and my dumb so-called boyfriend is really awesome. Maybe I’ll learn these things in the third act, and suddenly become really sweet, but still retain enough of my trademark sass to make people around me a little irritated. Maybe I won’t kill myself after all. I don’t know. You tell me.
The Blu-ray disc featuring my movie turns in a respectable transfer, though the film is mostly rather unimaginative from a visual perspective. Everything has a slightly muted, dour look that’s punctuated with off-putting dashes of bright color here and there. Detail is strong, blacks are moderately deep, and there’s a minimal level of natural grain that gives everything a warm filmic touch. Audio is fine, though the track is too reliant on obvious pop songs playing over obvious montages, and the music tends to be a little bit loud in contrast to the dialogue. Sound design is well-distributed and fairly immersive. Extras are limited to an EPK-style making-of featurette, deleted/alternate scenes and an alternate ending. Whut whut.
So, that’s that. If Judge Clark Douglas or some other movie snob square were writing this, he would probably tell you not to watch this movie, but what does he know? You like the idea of a formulaic film about a loathsome lead character acting like a fool before a last-minute transformation, right? Yeah, I thought so.
For more movies visit Soap2day.
